Buh-Bye 2017. Welcome 2018!! (aka: If You Are Not a Better Year I will Punch You in the Face!!)

It’s New Year’s Eve!! My first thought this morning was HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH!!! 2017 was an interesting year, one I had intended to grab by the balls and dominate.

Unfortunately, when I wasn’t looking (or possibly writhing on my bed with phantom pain) she snuck up behind and clubbed me like a baby seal.

It’s been months since I’ve written a post, I’m off my game.  No, that’s not true, I’ve actually been in a massive funk. That’s not exactly true either, funk is not a strong enough or accurate enough word – I’ve been massively depressed. There I said it. I’m not someone who typically battles with massive depression so this is new for me. Part of the depression is constantly hitting roadblocks in my recovery, I’m five and a half months post surgery and I’m still not on a prosthetic. The other bigger part is the stupid meds they put you on – that’s a post for another day.

I know, I know “be patient”, “it’s a process”, “don’t be so hard on yourself”.  I agree with all of those statements. I am aware of the process, but guys there’s one small thing you are forgetting – YOU HAVE LEGS!!! They are super convenient for getting around. It’s frustrating to not be able to go places, because they are not wheelchair accessible.  This is when my depression set in at around week nine.

Reenactment of maneuvering in a bathroom in NYC with a wheelchair

It is an awful feeling to be stuck – physically, emotionally and mentally. So I push through, I go to PT, to the gym and I knit and now crochet to keep myself occupied. There is still that longing for freedom that can knock me down and make me sleep for 2 consecutive days without even batting an eye. Thankfully meds have been reduced for more homeopathic options and I have turned a corner pain wise.

My latest knitting project – I’m calling it depression sweater.

I won’t be all woe is me, I have made some great strides forward, for example:

  • I zombie crawled into my friends apartment in NYC for a lovely visit
  • I went to dinner with friends in NYC
  • I finally went to a hockey game for my son
  • I took my first steps on my prosthetic leg but never quite made it to the finish line
  • I went to the salon and got bangs
I’m a risk taker…
  • I went to a wedding AND the dinner reception which meant I had to go out in public TWICE (but I loved every minute because the couple is so super freakin’ awesome)
  • I have socialized a few times and didn’t want to claw my own eyes because of all the gawking people trying to figure out “why the good lord took that poor woman’s leg” (I tend to use a toothless hillbilly voice when narrating the thoughts of the offending starer – it makes me feel better)
  • I have secretly been building muscle so that I can sucker punch 2018 if that bitch gets out of line or the next person who stares
  • I have begun to get back into my old spiritual practices so I DON’T sucker punch the next person who stares (thanks Julie!)
  • I benched 125lbs, just in case the spiritual practice fails me
When lifting and your spiritual practice collide.
  • I have found ways around standing in the kitchen for hours so that I can cook again (hey Instant Pot I’m looking for sponsors)
  • I knitted and crocheted my face off and I have now made 2 blankets and 5 extra long scarves (stay tuned I may need to open an Etsy store so we don’t drown in yarn)

The list is not long and not all that impressive but it’s all I have after 6 months and little progress on getting this wound to heal.  So what does this mean, it means that in 2 weeks I will be heading into surgery to start the healing all over again and this time, hopefully, with better, faster results! If all goes well I will be walking by the spring.

The last 3 months of hibernating have been the most challenging months of my life.  Staying positive has been a struggle, especially when you are continually met with setback after irritating setback, but I have held on like a baby holds onto a candy bar being pried from its nubby little fingers.

 

The reason why is at every point where I thought I couldn’t carry on for another second there was always someone willing to shine the flashlight for me down the dark tunnel of hope – my trainer, the new hyperbaric doctor and his team, a friend from far away with a request to FaceTime, a crazy aunt, a very crazy mother and two kids who refuse to stop having lives and require you to be there personal Uber driver even on your darkest day. I have learned that you don’t always have to be a comedian or even your own cheerleader all the time.  There are people who care enough to cheer for you when you lose your voice.

All that being said, I’m getting ready to hit the reset button this New Year’s Eve and I’m looking to leave the struggles of 2017 behind me and gracefully hop across the finish line into the new year where I will walk, run and lift my way into a happier, healthier and blessed 2018.

May you all find happiness, abundance and peace and kick 2018 square in the balls!  Many blessings to you and yours. The feedback and encouragement I received from writing this blog was absolutely the BEST part of 2017.

Come check me out in 2018, I really believe this is the year the magic will happen! XOXO