The To Do List That Almost Didn’t
As I’ve mentioned, I have a list of things I need to get done before surgery. As I’ve also mentioned, I am an MLP (Major League Procrastinator). So with these two truths in mind: how are things going with only 42 days to go?
My list is long, and the check marks are few. Last week my to do list included:
-calling my doctors, confirming we’re on track
-contacting insurance companies to make sure all my Ts are crossed
-hiring contractors to get started on making my bathroom accessible
-choosing and purchasing the materials for said bathroom
-seeing a t-shirt maker, because no amputation is complete without a funny t-shirt (#branding).
So where am I at with only 6 weeks to go? Well. Um. The t-shirts look great. I also got a hoodie!
Fast forward to this week: on Tuesday I woke up to a flurry of birthday messages. I was celebrating the 15th anniversary of my 29th birthday, which meant there were only 44 days left until surgery (44 days left on my 44th birthday: anyone who looks for signs will know what this is and appreciate it). Needless to say, I snapped out of it! As of this morning, I have locked in a personal trainer, called all the doctors I needed and began the insurance approval process before entering the hospital. Some of those items are not fully complete, but the heaviness I’ve been feeling about putting these things off has lifted. Turns out my 16th attempt at being 29 is the winner?
Oh, and to follow up? I am also now regretting putting off the personal trainer because the force is not strong with me and after one session I wanted to poke my own eyeballs out.
I mean yes, also okay, I loved the endorphin high of getting my heart rate up and breaking a sweat. It’s been so long that I’ve exerted myself I almost forgot I had a heart in my chest. Holding onto the thought of being active again while I’m working out is a great motivator to push through the pain. But still. Eyeball. Poke.
My flurry of activity also brought to the surface a huge issue within myself! I realized that over the past six years I have become an extreme apologizer. I constantly say sorry for all the things my body can’t do. Sorry I can’t walk fast. Sorry I’m in the way. Sorry I move like I’m 40% tree. I have always been fiercely independent, so when I am unable to do things on my own I shrink and get anxious. At the gym I found myself holding back tears because I almost fell twice during an exercise. Thank god the trainer is an absolute star and is there for moral and physical support or I would still be at the gym now, hanging from the tangled cables of the weight machine.
The other problem I have with my fierce independence is how out of practice I am at asking for help. It’s another hurdle I will have to overcome in the next 6 weeks. So many people have reached out and offered their assistance with making meals, carting my kids around, you name it. I am truly blessed to have such amazing support around me but I think the most humbling part of all of this are the amputees who have started to reach and offer up support and information. Family and friend support is fabulous but as I said to one of the people who reached out and offered their help with information “let’s face it, they have their legs!” I know that people will help, now I just need to get over my discomfort in asking for it. I think I’m feeling a new post topic!
As of today, I have gone from major league procrastinator to major league creator and it’s feeling pretty good.